Therapy

I had the idea that a post that gave the history of my various therapists and their input and my growth or lack thereof would be funny, fun, poetic, or philosophical, all in that sardonic way of mine.
Then my friend, yes I have a friend, said "and what would that accomplish??" Friends. Cheaper than therapists, sometimes.

I just like my darkness to ooze out on paper. Is that so bad? It's creativity...or at least a bi-product thereof.
Tonight I played varietal jazz to a small crowd in Westlake with the great Mitch Watkins, and the quite fine Rhythm section of Terry Hale and Arthur Kidd. Really quite a nice evening!

But imagine this post as entertaining, negative, dark, and funny. And true. So lets try, shall we.

I had one guy 4-5 times who I don't really remember, But he was the one who told my folks that LSD can do permanent ego damage. (and this a bad thing....it really is.) Later.... 1969 or so I was arrested for possession of heroin. I had a habit (intermittent), and I was young and busted. Went to a full on spychiatist named Pollatsek. Nice place in the West Village. I have no recollection of what we discussed, though I kind of remember a couple things: 1) The Doc was gay and once asked me to "step into the bedroom" (a Freudian slip -- he might have been wearing one -- no actually was fond of pinstripes....) 2) he gave me 100 10 mg valiums to take with me to the WVirginia mountains where I was cut off from all the good opiates and learned about liquor and smoked weed, I'm proud of my ivy league degree, but those mountains were a turning point.
Inbred homebrewin crazies. Loved those folks. And we were the best thing that had ever happened to them.

The NYC shrink was not all bad, though he lisped, and I guess what I got from him was the understanding that I could not get real, that it was a waste of time, if I came to the sessions loaded. Something/ Nothing. And the valium for the road.

Next flash forward MHMR in about 1987-8. I don't remember the woman'sname. Cocaine and a vehicle collision. Then her.
Then a little intervention.
Then I'm in outpatient rehab. Got sober. 4 months later I threw a cat through an open window --- And ronda she be gone. We were only separated 4 months then though. We slid back together. I had been "ANGRY." Then I was sweet I guess. The relationship was strong like coffee and heroin can be, and we just did not choose to "work on it." Then....or ever really. It was ostensibly perfect. Love should suffice. Didn't.
My growth? I got off cocaine and whiskey, pills and weed. Attended AA regularly. WANTED WHAT they had. It appeared.

New Shrink: Jewish man from Pittsburgh. 1992. I went because I was living sober but in odd fear. This fella told me I was Jewish. Did a little excavating. OK, dad's the enemy, the ogre, but
mom's a bit cool and away and busy. And they didn't sleep together. Stan F PHD, pictured me wearing armor that blocks all authentic feeling -- kills the highs and lows (though I was sober then). Worried that I would forever "stuff." And then when I treated panic disorder with benzos and vicodin, I drifted off into addiction again. The sober period had been about 14 years. And Doc F said, "Danny, Choose Life!" enough to make one consider anti-semitism. (I have no problem with being labelled a self-hating Jew, except I don't really hate myself at all, and if I did it wouldn't be for being Jewish -- which I really am not. The Talmud drives me up the wall, except when I read it as like Jack Handy humor. (is that his name?)

Panic disorder. I could go on and on. The treatment at UT cured me. I had to go through twice. But it seems to be holding. Sort of. I still have Clon. in the drawer. Why? It is not my friend.

Denial helps cure this problem -- Unlike addiction. Denial is known to be part of the disease of addiction. If I can deny or minimize the importance of my panic episodes, they will abate. I know this. So different. Less serious by far than addiction -- though it doesn't feel like it when one is in panic....

My current therapist will remain nameless. The issues: recovery, balance/boundaries, self-care, grace.
Crap it's exhausting. Think I'll nap