Socialism

Great day for me today. A piece of music I "wrote" will air on some kind of network TV. Or cable. Cable is different from network. They are mutually exclusive. And that's what I want to write about today. Exclusivity. That and that there are just not enough hours in the day. Thing is, I find there are freaking plenty of hours. I grab a can of sparkling water and just go joy-riding in rush hour. What a rush! Or sometimes I sleep. There have been days recently where I slept 10, even 12 hours, because hey there WERE those hours!

Why? My job has become relatively easy, I rarely exercise, and I have absolutely no social life. There is a vast emptiness.
Some would say "You should do volunteer work." or "You should date." or "For Godssake don't date." There is an emptiness. It's like enforced meditation. First I check in with myself. Then I focus on the breath and say .... Shit.
Because I have excluded vast possibilities from my life. Positive stuff. For awhile, even eating was out. That didn't last.
But dancing does not appeal. I saw a man in his fifties dancing last Sunday and he looked idiotic, kind of like a Maurice Sendak Where the Night Things Are creature. Poor guy. I know I know. He was having fun. ?
I don't do ceramics either. Never have. And I have this enforced no dope or alcohol thing. Frisbee? Not me. I will take a walk every now and again, and get on the floor and do the occasional yoga inversion or core strengthener. But the big thing that there isn't: a social life. I was working on it for awhile, and I do make friends easily. I am effing likeable. I used to read, so I can say the names of books and authors with alacrity. And it's probably true that if I tried to pick up some of the little baby friendships I started over the last year or so and ditched suddenly for solitude a few months ago..... well I could do that. Nobody is mad. Some of 'em have "moved on." Maybe. I don't think any of them got married. And there is of course the vast vat of as yet untapped potential acquaintances. But I don't know. I was thinking of checking in with one of those the other night when I was working at a bar, and she looked at me and said "I don't mean to be rude, but I just don't feel like @#$%^&*()_ talking to anybody right now." I had not said a word. And did not. But I thought about this. This woman was taking a strong stance, for the moment at least, against socialism.

And that's what I'm against. You can't reallly get out of your own head anyway. Sollipsism is right. Some people can't even get out of their mother's womb! The ultimate socialism -- parenting. And another thing I don't do anymore. Retired.
Miss it though.